Okay...I violated rule number one...the most sacred of rules when your fiance is gone. Granted, he's not gone, gone just living in the woods for 4 days. Anyway, I violated the rule. I watched Everwood which is a sappy show to say the least. What did it make me do? Cry...I'm such a wimp. I swear I never used to cry over missing someone. Then again, I bet that's a good sign. I hate being away from Patrick and I hate thinking of him out in the cold snow right now doing God knows what. I wonder if he's looking at the stars, if he can even see the stars and if he's thinking of me. Or if he's watching that snow fall and thinking about how much I love the snow. I'd give anything to be there with him, even in the cold, even in a sleeping bag on the ground, in the snowy winter.
It's funny how things change...and it's funny how they stay the same as well. In all of my uneventful ranting I think the bottom line is that I just miss him. I miss the smell of him...sometimes when he leaves I spend the next five minutes trying to find his smell on the pillows.
It's official...I'm pathetic.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight stars. Goodnight snow covered Patrick.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Movie Date with yours truly
I have decided that tomorrow...on top of baking cookies for Patrick, and writing thank you notes, I will take myself to a movie. There's a really nice movie theater that opened down the street and I've been dying to go but haven't been. I shouldn't just have to wait for Pat to be around for me to treat myself. So, I'm going to go. I have no idea why this idea makes me feel so empowered but it does and I'm glad for it.
I'm baking chocolate and peanut butter chip cookies tomorrow, and lemon ricotta cookies to send to Patrick. He was so good to me during my surgery and at times I'll admit I got frustrated. I despise having to sit around and have people do things for me. Although, I think Patrick secretly loved that I let him help (only because I didn't have a choice). Sometimes I forget that it's okay to let other people help.
Is it okay sometimes to put your independent self on a shelf?
I'm baking chocolate and peanut butter chip cookies tomorrow, and lemon ricotta cookies to send to Patrick. He was so good to me during my surgery and at times I'll admit I got frustrated. I despise having to sit around and have people do things for me. Although, I think Patrick secretly loved that I let him help (only because I didn't have a choice). Sometimes I forget that it's okay to let other people help.
Is it okay sometimes to put your independent self on a shelf?
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
The bed
I looked at wedding china tonight and some stuff to register for. It's pretty exciting. I also got the CUTEST grey shoes. My Mom got them for me. We are trying to spend a lot of time together in the next year because I'm moving eventually to be with Patrick. He has his big physical fitness test tomorrow. I know he's anxious/worried about it. I know he'll be wonderful and brilliant because he's like that. My mother and I were talking about it tonight. How much he loves me, how much I love him. We also talked about how everyone thought we were crazy and maybe we were, but we are crazily in love.
There's this song, it's a country song and it's about loving someone and it being okay as long as they're the same kind of crazy as you. That's what this blog is named for, and about. He's my same kind of crazy and if it means that day in and day out I get him. Then, it's worth every second of hardship. I spent 3 years with the wrong person. I loved him but I was not IN love with him and there's a huge difference. He was my best friend and I thought it would be enough. I didn't know that "enough" isn't what matters. As the movie Meet Joe Black said "love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with?". Ironically, that was one of my exes' favorite movies. It's right though, and Patrick is my missing piece. Did I know it the second I met him?
No.
He knew it the second he met me though and he spent a month saying "I'm the guy for you...it's okay if you don't know it...because I'm the guy"
He's the guy.
My bed feels so empty without him. Normally, I sleep spread out on both sides and lately, I've been sticking to just one side. I wake up each morning hoping I'll roll over and he will be there. I cannot wait until he is.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight stars.
There's this song, it's a country song and it's about loving someone and it being okay as long as they're the same kind of crazy as you. That's what this blog is named for, and about. He's my same kind of crazy and if it means that day in and day out I get him. Then, it's worth every second of hardship. I spent 3 years with the wrong person. I loved him but I was not IN love with him and there's a huge difference. He was my best friend and I thought it would be enough. I didn't know that "enough" isn't what matters. As the movie Meet Joe Black said "love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with?". Ironically, that was one of my exes' favorite movies. It's right though, and Patrick is my missing piece. Did I know it the second I met him?
No.
He knew it the second he met me though and he spent a month saying "I'm the guy for you...it's okay if you don't know it...because I'm the guy"
He's the guy.
My bed feels so empty without him. Normally, I sleep spread out on both sides and lately, I've been sticking to just one side. I wake up each morning hoping I'll roll over and he will be there. I cannot wait until he is.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight stars.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Tonight,Tonight
My room feels wrong
The bed won't fit
I cannot seem to operate
And you, my love, are gone
I found this artist (it turns out I've actually been listening to her stuff on Pandora for months) and she seems to have the best lyrics of ANYONE around. I love when you find music that fits your exact mood. That always tickles me.
I cried again tonight, me, the one that never cries, cried again. Patrick told me that he's surprised I haven't called him crying yet, and then finished it up with that he was glad that I haven't. I am not the type to call ANYONE up crying, really. I love how people tell you things like that and then you think "well, if I was ever planning to, I guess that's out the window".
So, I cried on the phone...silently...and let tears run down my face and told him it was allergies. He told me I could call him crying, if I wanted to. I just said "what good would that do?" and...I'm right, right?
What good would it do?
The bed won't fit
I cannot seem to operate
And you, my love, are gone
I found this artist (it turns out I've actually been listening to her stuff on Pandora for months) and she seems to have the best lyrics of ANYONE around. I love when you find music that fits your exact mood. That always tickles me.
I cried again tonight, me, the one that never cries, cried again. Patrick told me that he's surprised I haven't called him crying yet, and then finished it up with that he was glad that I haven't. I am not the type to call ANYONE up crying, really. I love how people tell you things like that and then you think "well, if I was ever planning to, I guess that's out the window".
So, I cried on the phone...silently...and let tears run down my face and told him it was allergies. He told me I could call him crying, if I wanted to. I just said "what good would that do?" and...I'm right, right?
What good would it do?
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
The taste of something so sweet should've warned me about the undertow...
Patrick has his swim test tomorrow. I guess it's the first one. He's worried, he's always worried. I'm a worrier marrying another worrier. I never thought I'd be here. Marrying a Marine, etc. I'm so happy and I love him so much. It's interesting how different he sounds on the phone now. So, serious...or worn out maybe. I am trying to figure out everything I can do. I'm going to spend this weekend baking cookies, finding fun things to put in a care package, and doing anything I can to put something in there that will
make him smile. I think he could use a smile. I feel better today. I have to take an antihistamine a lot but it's helping slowly. My throat still hurts and I have the highest pitched voice in the world currently. My Dad has surgery tomorrow, and it's serious. I can't think about that for right now though because I'll lose my mind if I think about it. So instead, I'll just think about Patrick and him looking up at the sky for me tonight. I told him "chin up" and he said "it already is, because I'm looking at the moon and the sky and looking for you". I told him "if I were in the sky, I'd be in the stars". I miss him. He's my rock and I know he's doing so well up there. I'm very proud of him.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight stars.
make him smile. I think he could use a smile. I feel better today. I have to take an antihistamine a lot but it's helping slowly. My throat still hurts and I have the highest pitched voice in the world currently. My Dad has surgery tomorrow, and it's serious. I can't think about that for right now though because I'll lose my mind if I think about it. So instead, I'll just think about Patrick and him looking up at the sky for me tonight. I told him "chin up" and he said "it already is, because I'm looking at the moon and the sky and looking for you". I told him "if I were in the sky, I'd be in the stars". I miss him. He's my rock and I know he's doing so well up there. I'm very proud of him.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight stars.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Nights are Long
So...the nights are long. I'm recovering from strep throat, and covered in hives. I've been pushing myself so hard getting ready for Patrick to leave. Now that he's left, I'm sick as a dog. I can't tell him how much I miss him because the one thing he needs to be focusing on is his training. I don't want to distract him from that. I don't want him worrying about me, although I'm sure he is. I think that's how it goes, we both worry about each other, miss each other and neither one of us admits it. I'm up thinking about my Math test tomorrow when I should be resting and trying to get better, but I'm not. I'll get it done tomorrow, somehow. I miss him, and I still haven't even cried yet. I think I'm too worried if I start, I won't stop.
Same Kinda Crazy As Me
Day One
Well, it feels like day one. Although, Patrick left...a few days ago for training. I guess it's time for a little background check here. I'm Ashton, I'm 23 and engaged to the love of my life, Patrick. Patrick is...everything I promised myself (and others) that I wouldn't marry. See, my former stepdad was a Marine and a cop afterward. He left my Mom (and both my sister and I) when I was 18 after 10 years of marriage. He was the only guy I ever looked up to. My father wasn't/isn't the best in the world, and my former stepdad was our saving grace. However, when he left, needless to say, it devastated me. I swore that I'd never marry a Marine or a cop after that (a little rash but hey, I didn't want history to repeat itself). Then, about a year before I met Patrick, I met a pilot in the Air Force. It was a very short lived (a month) and miserable relationship. So, there goes the idea of pilots as well. However, my Patrick, is both a Marine and has a flight contract to be a pilot. Never say never girls (and boys, if you're reading this). So, here I sit in Texas, while he's in Virginia and missing the man that I kept telling was "trouble". He actually isn't, he's bliss and without him, I'd still be as lost and hurt as I was. So that's a little of my background story. I'll tell how we met, later. Needless to say, I was wrong, I am so excited to marry a Marine now, and a pilot.
Well, it feels like day one. Although, Patrick left...a few days ago for training. I guess it's time for a little background check here. I'm Ashton, I'm 23 and engaged to the love of my life, Patrick. Patrick is...everything I promised myself (and others) that I wouldn't marry. See, my former stepdad was a Marine and a cop afterward. He left my Mom (and both my sister and I) when I was 18 after 10 years of marriage. He was the only guy I ever looked up to. My father wasn't/isn't the best in the world, and my former stepdad was our saving grace. However, when he left, needless to say, it devastated me. I swore that I'd never marry a Marine or a cop after that (a little rash but hey, I didn't want history to repeat itself). Then, about a year before I met Patrick, I met a pilot in the Air Force. It was a very short lived (a month) and miserable relationship. So, there goes the idea of pilots as well. However, my Patrick, is both a Marine and has a flight contract to be a pilot. Never say never girls (and boys, if you're reading this). So, here I sit in Texas, while he's in Virginia and missing the man that I kept telling was "trouble". He actually isn't, he's bliss and without him, I'd still be as lost and hurt as I was. So that's a little of my background story. I'll tell how we met, later. Needless to say, I was wrong, I am so excited to marry a Marine now, and a pilot.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)